Suspended

The storm was nothing like the  sun. It doesn’t bother my senses. I function like the very thought circling in his head; involuntary. At least that is what I think.

Sef his name was. I have a habit of calling people names only I would call them, like my own personal brand of alcohol. His locks never miss the touch of his hand. In fact, it is the kind of mannerism that never gets old. His eyes are always curious and most of the time wandering off when you don’t get to talk to him about things that he wants to talk about; sex. He’s selfish that way.

I like to think that I have a thing for noses. I have always been with men and his was the best I’ve kissed so far. His nose doesn’t exactly have a pointy end. I remember letting Sef trace my neck with his nose and I felt his yearning. But as the tracks stayed there, I felt them burning. The burns felt real and but I was doubtful. Maybe it was just his nose; just the nose, just the passion and never love.

My phone beeped a bit and in a split second, there reads, “Heyyy.” It took him eight hours to notice me. It is always like that. I don’t mind. Life’s always been like that; a treacherous wait. You do so much today to get your mind off something or someone. You try so hard to wash them off your head with coffee but you keep waking up in the morning thinking about them like they never left your head not even for a moment. It’s frustrating at first but countless tomorrows taught me how waiting can make you feel just numb. When the so-called right time comes your way with one single “Heyyy,” you’re just caught off guard. And you don’t exactly know what you’ve forgotten; whether it’s the process of forgetting or just him.

“Ssup.” I replied likes it’s  a god damn creed. Frozen. This is what I get for feeling so much and nothing all at once. I never really know where to be. I am practically lost but I never call myself an imbecile for it. I know what I’m doing. I was told that I don’t always have to have a reason.

It was a dull morning. The weather says stay at home, clean up and wallow in loneliness when you feel like it. It did manage to say “you can try your luck asking friends over.” And on the end note, it whispers, “HAHA kidding” with stronger winds as the rain poured harder.

All that thinking in my head and it felt like eternity there before I actually got up. I stretched and let out a hard sigh. “Cheers to another day with shit ton of things to do and not accomplishing anything,” I say in my head. And then I throw my fist in the air with the hope of not screwing up the day.

It was 7:55AM.

Here’s an actual reality check. That was a Thursday and I should be in class at 12nn. But I have a meeting at 9am so I should have left home by then. But as of 9pm  the night before, classes had already been suspended. So that means, I could go have fun but there isn’t anyone to have fun with. Judging the way the weather greeted me that morning, I think it was quite clear that I will be stuck at home no matter what.

You know, it would have been nice if I had him over. We could have played video games. He could have helped me clean up a bit and then I would have taught him how to cook. We’d have lunch together. We could have watched a movie while we ate. And then we’d have dissed it out of boredom because it wasn’t really fun to do. Then we’d have talked for  half an hour until we find ourselves in a doozy. He could have kissed me and I could have kissed him back. His arms would have found my waist and up to my breast and then to my face as he could have took me down. And then we end up doing thing we should not be doing. Something that he would love to do. Something that I am open to do.

But I would rather not. I love having the place to myself even if it means that I would have to resist the cold weather and fight the angry noises in my head. Sef can try hard to barge in but he doesn’t know where I live. I know he’d be happy to be at home playing video games with his laptop til his heart’s content or invite friends over— whatever. I’d rather not really. I’d rather not feed the possibilities and impossibilities or whatever you call them. I am not giving in.

And then I heard that beep.

I swear you could hear me cursing in my head because it read, “All is good. Had breakfast yet?” Well, fuck you. Fuck you and that insinuation. Fuck you and your god damn reservations, Sef. Just fuck you.

Or not.

Damn it.

It’s just that, what I should not be doing at the time was believe that you actually care. The least thing I could do at the time was hope that you’d reciprocate yearning with pure affection and not mere passion that would only go nowhere. I wouldn’t want fireworks that shoot for the moon and not even land on the stars. I wouldn’t want that kind of spark, that explosion that elevate so high and yet not even leave the very fabric of the planet.

Because seriously, look at where that got me now.

 

Morning after filth

She woke up with burns and gashes all over.
Blinked one too many times.
Sweat emerged from her temples to her nape.
And she inhaled the fumes — the very same
wildfire that burned her.
One gulp and she knew — the taste
of alcohol stood there in her tongue
Release a sigh and blow off the cobwebs
Of nearly a decade of slumber.
The embers glowed like the sunset.

It has been a while since she last saw
the hearth burned — since she last burned.
Inside and out.

“Stop thinking,” he said.
She realized she has only done exactly that
right when it was over.
But nothing began really.

She only remembered dancing
in the dark
in the arms of a man
who could speak the truth
but never set her free.
She only remembered sailing
across the sea
afloat with a vessel
that could make her feel safe
but never loved.

She woke up drowned in fire.
Blinked one too many times.
Sweat emerged from her temples to her nape.
And she inhaled the fumes — the very same
scent of poison.
One gulp and she knew — the taste
of him inside her.
Release a sigh and wash off the filth
Of nearly a forever of never’s
That did not last the night.

Not so far away

He spoke to me like we didn’t come so far.

“Dad, where will we attend the mass?” I asked as keen as I could knowing that he wouldn’t please me with any answer that he’d give me. It was hours– maybe  minutes before we would have left the nice house that was our home for two nights. Not that I didn’t want to leave but I wanted to stay.

“By afternoon maybe,” he said as he busily tended for his car that stood there in the cold morning. He glided his cloth from front and back and side to side. He didn’t even look at me. “Your mom and I still have a meeting at your TIto Ed’s. I don’t think your brothers would want to stay there anyway and that’ll take long.”

My mind wandered off thinking of ways to make the most of my remaining time being here up north. It’s a prvilege to be back here after a long, long while. And it sucks so bad that I would have to go home anytime soon. I will miss the nicely limited view of the outside from the window in the room. The cold of the air feels alien to me like I really am somewhere else apart from the world that I live in which is mostly pressure and creeping demons of all shapes and forms. I like the desk here; it has become my little corner here where I can just feel isolated in a way that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely but alone. Everything that is not nonexistent in my own little corner back home, I will miss them.

I wiped my nose with my bare fingers trying to shoo the lingering sniffles in my system. “We might go home first,” said my father catching me wipe my nose. My eyes caught his for a bit and as expected, I put up an emotionless face,

I only said “okay” to cut off the bland conversation and go on with my plan to make my remaining holiday time worth while– except it is impossible.

Not that I didn’t want to leave, I just wanted to stay for a little longer because I know that the hours that keep me away from my nightmares make me content even for a while. But my father made it seem like I’m not so far away after all. And the fear crept into my nerves while it sat there feeling nothing for two nights. For a moment, it changed. And now I am scared again.

The Unhappy Matchstick Girl

wake up in the morning
too early for a little girl to be up
but she’s off to learning
in school like everyone else
the moon’s still waning
and the morning breeze too cool
so our little girls is off

up and ready; preparing for school
she’s too young to withstand
the cold of the morning and so
she gets a kettle to heat
her bathing water; right on
the stove placed nice and still
our little girl might be a bit ill

she lights a match right there
and it wouldn’t work; again she lit,
again it did not do the trick
poor little girl; how will she?
if the matchstick won’t light
‘maybe’ she thought; ‘some things
are not meant for little girls to get right’

(or some girls are not meant
for little things to get right)

That liberating feeling

You know that feeling that every time you find yourself trying too hard to breathe you know you just can’t. You know it your nose is clogged. Every single time you take that chance to make it right, you wonder… what on earth clogged your breathing track that makes you struggle too hard to feel better, breathe better?

How am I supposed to know? I mean I would never know. All I know that I am sick. I have sniffles. I have mild colds. Perhaps it’s just the crappy feeling that gets into me so bad it devours me whole. I want to burst into song and belt out the high notes like I would always always do but I fail.

Maybe I just ended up realizing that it was too hard for me to do.

And now, you can just imagine how amazing I feel now that every little hindrances that used lie somewhere my breathing track have fled from here to nowhere. Now I can finally sing again and makes myself fly. Now I can breathe again—**cough **cough

Maybe not entirely. But I’m getting there. I feel so awesome. I’m so free.

Let’s go with it’s 2am and the small bed is still too big for a little girl like me

I curl here on my seat right in front of the computer and I wasn’t kidding when I said it’s already two in the morning. The rain hasn’t stopped but it sure had the nerve to calm down after a long day. But it seems to me that the sky never gets tired. It seems to me that it hasn’t thought about stopping since the other night when I struggled to get things right and kept failing.

I run through my hand all over my face and again. I did my best to stimulate my face and convince my very self that I should have hit the sack hours ago; even when it hurts to lay in bed and get stuck trying to dream dreams that would only break my heart when I wake. I run through my face again and I recall that I should be washing it before I sleep. Perhaps that too was a clear reminder that I should not forget brushing my teeth.

And now that I’m rest assured that I would not forget any of what I have been reminded of, all the impurities on my face shall be washed away. I just hope that even the monsters which kept hiding under my bed all day would get washed away as well. I hate it when I’ve already started to hate myself and they would keep me hating me even more. I believe I have mentioned brushing my teeth. I guess I ate too much chocolates today even the tiniest residue of sweetness on my mouth need brushing off. And that leaves me debating with myself on whether or not I’d keep my memories with you that made me smile…those sweet memories that has given a rather bitter aftertaste since you left.

I can still vividly picture that day I let you lay in bed with me. I just placed my head on your chest while you kept caressing my hair. I don’t know with you but I was sure that I tried to lure myself into falling asleep that time; but what would that be if I would choose to be unconscious while you were with me? I couldn’t bear falling asleep when it feels like any time I could die by your side, holding me holding you. For once, I thought the bed fit just right for me.

But it only happened once you know. Well, of course you know. How could you not? Unless… You have chosen to forget me because all along you weren’t serious about having me around. All along, it was just me crazy in love with you, with the way you cast spells on me, with the way you move me… All along you were just in love with the power that you had over me—And the clock finally struck two now. For real.

I should better get things done. Perhaps I should equip and arm my spirit for the war that is soon to dawn. The storms are still raging both out in the open and here downstairs where I will be spending the night alone in my bed with monsters creeping underneath… a bed that is still too big even for a little girl like me.