Morning after filth

Morning after filth

She woke up with burns and gashes all over.
Blinked one too many times.
Sweat emerged from her temples to her nape.
And she inhaled the fumes — the very same
wildfire that burned her.
One gulp and she knew — the taste
of alcohol stood there in her tongue
Release a sigh and blow off the cobwebs
Of nearly a decade of slumber.
The embers glowed like the sunset.

It has been a while since she last saw
the hearth burned — since she last burned.
Inside and out.

“Stop thinking,” he said.
She realized she has only done exactly that
right when it was over.
But nothing began really.

She only remembered dancing
in the dark
in the arms of a man
who could speak the truth
but never set her free.
She only remembered sailing
across the sea
afloat with a vessel
that could make her feel safe
but never loved.

She woke up drowned in fire.
Blinked one too many times.
Sweat emerged from her temples to her nape.
And she inhaled the fumes — the very same
scent of poison.
One gulp and she knew — the taste
of him inside her.
Release a sigh and wash off the filth
Of nearly a forever of never’s
That did not last the night.

Mahal kong Tadhana

Mahal kong Tadhana

Bilang wala nang tanikalang nakagapos sa mga paa ko at malaya na akong humilig sa katotohanan, gusto lang kitang kumustahin. Sa layo nang nilakbay kong katuwang kita sa bawat salitang binulalas at luhang inilabas ko, gusto ko lang kumustahin kung maayos lang ba ang lagay mo. Sa kabila ng mga sugat na itinamo ng puso ko sa loob nang maraming taon mula noong unang beses akong natutong nagmahal, may nagbago ba? Sa pagkatao ko. Sa ugali ko. Aminin mo.

Tunay nga bang magkaibigan tayo matapos masilaya’t madama ng mga mata ko ang hapding dulot ng klase ng mundong ipinamalas mo sa akin? Talaga nga bang ikaw ang kasama ko sa tuwing madadatnan ko ang sarili ko sa dilim kasama siya? Totoo bang hinele mo ako sa mga oras na nagtangis ako matapos mong ipagdudulan sa akin na hindi na siya babalik? Ang dami kong tanong na may halong pighati at poot dahil hindi ko malaman kung talagang binigo ako ng “pag-ibig.” Dahil tingin ko, binigo mo ako.

Pinilit-pilit kong huwag umasa sa kanya dahil wala akong alam sa kanya. Itinuro mo sa aking huwag umasa sa kanya. Kung kaya’t sa’yo ako umasa bilang tanda ng respeto ko sa’yo at sa sarili ko. Dahil mahal kita. Dahil mahal ko tayo. Pero hindi ko lubos maunawaan kung kakampi kita sa bawat dagok na hinarap ko.

Pakiramdam ko, mag-isa ako. Dahil lagi mo na lang akong tinatraydor. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung bastos ka lang talaga o’ may itinuturo ka na naman sa aking bago. Hindi kita maintindihan. Hindi ko alam kung ipagkakatiwala ko ang sarili ko sa’yo o’ ang puso ko o’  ang pagkatao ko. ‘Di ko na talaga alam.

Pero dahil wala na akong ibang pwedeng lapitan, sa’yo at sa’yo lang ulit ako kakapit. Kahit ilang beses mo sa akin sabihin na tumingin sa kalangitan at paniwalaan ang kapangyarihan ng buwan at paghiling sa mga tala… gagawin at gagawin ko pa rin kasi wala naman ibang pwedeng gawin kundi ‘yun lang.

Utang na loob. Kung nagrereklamo man ako, hayaan mo na ako. Bago ko pa maisipan maglabas ng sama ng loob sa paraang ikaw lang din mismo ang bibigo sa akin. Alam mo na ‘yon dahil saksi ka. Sa lahat.

Ngunit gayunpaman, mahal kita. Wala akong ibang kayang mahalin at tiisin nang gaya ng sa’yo. Dahil higit ka pa sa anino. Higit ka pa sa kahit kanino. Ikaw ang tunay na karamay ko.

I have loved you on the right side of the bed.

I have loved you on the right side of the bed.

Oh well’s matter more than what if’s
And that craving (curiosity) lead me straight
To the center of both realms
Where we might meet — and we did.
Gentle, he was. Gentle, he said.
But I could not cease the screaming in my head
I have loved you on the right side of the bed.

Tonight mattered more than other chances.
And that time (moment) brought me closer
To the ghost that you are.
Which just might haunt me — and it did.
Gentle, he was. Gentle, he said.
But I could not really silence the noise inside my head.
I have loved you on the lone side of the bed.

Neither past or future could win.
And that clamor (anxiety) drew me down
To your unfaithful arms.
Where I might find home — and did I?
Gentle, he was. Gentle, he said.
But the screaming of hope devour me instead.
I have loved you on my own side of the bed.

Ibig kong sabihin

Ibig kong sabihin

Kumusta.
Ibig kong sabihin, “namiss kita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay ka lang ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano nang ganap?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “masaya ka ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “nag-alala ako sa’yo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ang tagal nating ‘di nagkita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “namiss mo ba ako?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano nang nangyari sa’yo?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ang dami palang nangyari.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “sana nagka-oras tayo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay lang na hindi.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “malay mo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “joke lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ayaw kong umasa.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “naging crush kita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “naging crush mo ba ako?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “buti na lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “wala.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ganon ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “oo.”
Pero kumusta.

Why we write with courage

Why we write with courage

Lightning broke through the dim sky
Before you could have told why
The uproar of thunderclaps
Shiver against the still
Hold the relapse
Even tighter the quill
Hold the fear in one blink
Before you dig deep for ink
Look out the window once more
Feast your eyes at nothing
Gather up your senses from the floor
Write down the anger running
Do it until your heart’s content
Do it even if you can’t
For if you could not do that proud
You might regret the thunder
If you can’t, say it out loud
Or you die of hunger

The Archetype

The Archetype

Even if I had told you I love you now,
I would not even believe myself.
I will not believe a word not a single one.
Not even the fatal words that you say.

Not even when your kisses meant a lot
Like morning coffee or honest poetry
Not even when you do love me back.
Even if I had told you I love you now.

The room sits there in silence like them;
Like the years that raced through time
When you and I sailed off with ships
And found false homes in our dreams.

Were they real dreams, really?
I would not even believe myself.
Now that I have learned to give that up.
Because it was not a fairytale all along.

It was a legend that I tried so hard to live.
Even if I had told you I love you now,
It would not change the fact that I failed.
That we failed to make legends those years.

I will not believe a word not a single one.
Even if you convince me now how you
Actually want me, or how you love me.
My brokenness etched to me the truth.

That the hope for true love is covered
In words that are as sweet as your lust
For me; You are desperate for me. Sure.
I’m desperate to sense new horizons.

Oh but you are not new. You were the one.
Everything else started with you. History.
Not even the fatal words that you say
Would change how my story was written.

I would not even believe myself
If the so-called spark invite you inside me
The exact way I would paint it in my head.
You are a living archetype that I never had.

You exist as a model for the hopes that failed.
You are a living relic of my lost loves.
You embody the love that was never real.
You now want to take me back when.

And here I am in stern belief for change;
In the existence of rise and downfall
Most especially the beautiful fallout.
Trace the bed with maybe’s and what if’s.

But I can love you know if I want to.
Except I would not believe myself if I do.
Not even the fatal words I wish to hear
Would put me back together for I fear you.