My angels mourn for what ails my heart.
On my behalf, they carry the weight of the world.
My heart; they shoot arrows and play percussion.
Reminding me of what’s left of it.
An imperfect specimen I can’t even name.
The remains could be given a pseudonym.
Permission to carve a pseudonym with your name.
On it went down and up and loose; I lose
You from the chains I devoured.
I told my angels to cease movement. It’s over.
The waves coming after my feet
Chasing what’s left of the heat
They come running after me
Even when it asked to be free
The arms spin like clockwork spears
Shredding time each passing year
Love came and left at dawn
I see it back; I see it gone
The fearless yell to me a warcry
The meek say to heal, you’d cry
Time and time, I watch it again
I don’t care how not even when
Angels and demons keep coming back
Like the rainfall and sunlight I lack
Wisdom yearning for the night to fall
Come sleep and come the curious call
Goodbye, I said to your big little pieces
Burn the rest of my hopeful wishes
Stay the night, the timelines say
Aboard your dreams, come sail away
I cannot believe that it’s been ages since I last personally wrote to everyone who was interested in whatever the f*ck I wanted to say on my blog. I know it sucks that I mostly act like a ghost in here. But hey, I guess it’s reasonable that I publish updates now.
- I earned my Bachelor’s degree in majoring in English. I marched last April in the PICC Plenary Hall. I’m one of the surviving graduates of Polytechnic University of the Philippines Batch 2016. Also I’m one of the fortunate ones to graduate with Latin honors.
- I’ve started working in my Alma Mater, De La Salle Araneta University (I went to this school for High School) in the Lasallian Language Center as an ESL Teacher. I’m on my second month as an employee.
- I’m still the same old me. Worked up about the things I want to do, the places I want to go and the things I want to keep in life. For the mean time, this will be enough. I will keep buying things I need to survive and save up for the beautiful things I want to make living the now more fun and interesting than I expected and dreamed.
Cheers to exiting the university life. Behold the gate; there it is, waiting for me. All I have to do is step outside, keep walking and just let life happen as it does.
— Annie Sparkle
PS: I hope to put up more photos, posts and weekly stuff to make this blog more exciting. Ayt? I love y’all.
One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.
Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.
All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.
“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.
Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.
We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.
Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.
And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.
The funny thing about being your home was that I was not exactly a part of you. I was under your skin but it wasn’t enough for us to be each others’ limbs. Not a joint, not even the heart though we are a part of them but not exactly, no. We say we are the air we share but there is still the air and we can breathe even when not together.
We were fooled believing we were one. There was you and me and me and you and us. There was no me that existed, we did not exist to live and be apart even when we weren’t exactly one. It was a lovely chain that bounded us. It was great until the chain began to rust and meet its decay. All the hopes and plans to keep it brand new slowly faded like the echoes that kept reminding us that this was the right love.
But the truth was true enough to not even hold us back to lie. Honesty led the truth to keep up and not be late… Though it seemed pretty fast, it happened exactly right when it should. It seemed impossible but there it is… It knocked on my door and I invited it in. And it was the fateful meet up you so dread because it brought us to the end of what seemed to be the right love.
Honesty and truth. I welcomed them with great hospitality. Thank you for trying really hard to keep that smile on your face as I fed them and made them feel home. I’m sorry if I did not raise you and prepare you enough for this day. I didn’t realize this was really bound to happen. It pains me to say this. It turns out I had to keep either them or you.
Piliin mo siya, bes.
Piliin mo siya dahil alam mo na.
Ang bawat dahilan ng ngiti niya.
Ang sukat ng mga luha niya.
Ang lalim ng kanyang isip.
Piliin mo siya.
Sisirin mo ulit ang dagat ng kanyang isipan.
Suyurin mo ang bawat hangganan.
Doon muli sa inyong tagpuan;
Kayo’y magkaroon ng kasunduan.
Bes, piliin mo siya.
Nang hindi ka na mahirapan,
Sumugal sa bagong kanlungan.
Tumungo sa dayuhang lunan.
Sa ibang puso manahan.
Hindi kita ipinagtatabuyan.
Isa kang alay.
Upang matubos ang lahat.
Ng pait. Ng takot. Ng sigwa
Ng dilim. Ng ligaya. Ng ngiti.
Piliin mo siya, bes.
Isa kang buntung-hininga.
Sa gitna ng pagsikip ng dibdib
Tubig na kay tagal ‘pinag-igib.
At ngayon husto na
Ang kapahingahan ng aking bisig
Na kahit hindi pag-ibig
Ika’y aking nadinig.
Ika’y aking nadama.
Sa taghoy ng alinlangan
Pero sapat na.
Piliin mo siya, bes.
Sapat nang matikman
Ang hindi akin
Marahil iyong napansin
Tangan ng iyong “mahal kita”
Ay sa kanya pa rin nakabaling.
I like you pushing me away.
The distance between us
Draws a broken heart
Wanting more tortures.
I like how you can smile
As I stand here smiling
Back at you; not minding
The blood and sweat dripping
From me at the sight of
Your sunlight is my moon.
For a rhyme, here I swoon
Spiral to a doom that only
Your love could cause and
Describes the kind of love,
The type of affection you
Bear for me. Such a folly.
That I believe it exists knowing
I could describe them in
Words; whilst you deem it
unreal for you don’t feel.
I describe them in words
That etch to my soul. You–
You leave me wanting for
More. Of open wounds;
More. Of fatal scars. More
And more of you. More
Of the hopes that build me.
While I like how you push
Me away from the love I
Think could still be true.
I hope you like me wanting
You. For such affection that
Wants both body and spirit
Is one you so keenly seek.
And it’s the kind that could
Come from me. Come to me.