Status

[7-30-16]

Dear Reader,

I cannot believe that it’s been ages since I last personally wrote to everyone who was interested in whatever the f*ck I wanted to say on my blog. I know it sucks that I mostly act like a ghost in here. But hey, I guess it’s reasonable that I publish updates now.

  1. I earned my Bachelor’s degree in majoring in English. I marched last April in the PICC Plenary Hall. I’m one of the surviving graduates of Polytechnic University of the Philippines Batch 2016. Also I’m one of the fortunate ones to graduate with Latin honors.
  2. I’ve started working in my Alma Mater, De La Salle Araneta University (I went to this school for High School) in the Lasallian Language Center as an ESL Teacher. I’m on my second month as an employee.
  3. I’m still the same old me. Worked up about the things I want to do, the places I want to go and the things I want to keep in life. For the mean time, this will be enough. I will keep buying things I need to survive and save up for the beautiful things I want to make living the now more fun and interesting than I expected and dreamed.

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Cheers to exiting the university life. Behold the gate; there it is, waiting for me. All I have to do is step outside, keep walking and just let life happen as it does.

— Annie Sparkle

PS: I hope to put up more photos, posts and weekly stuff to make this blog more exciting. Ayt? I love y’all.

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Something to laugh about.

Something to laugh about.

One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.

Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.

All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.

“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.

Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.

We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.

Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.

And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.

Before I kick you out.

Before I kick you out.

The funny thing about being your home was that I was not exactly a part of you. I was under your skin but it wasn’t enough for us to be each others’ limbs. Not a joint, not even the heart though we are a part of them but not exactly, no. We say we are the air we share but there is still the air and we can breathe even when not together.

We were fooled believing we were one. There was you and me and me and you and us. There was no me that existed, we did not exist to live and be apart even when we weren’t exactly one. It was a lovely chain that bounded us. It was great until the chain began to rust and meet its decay. All the hopes and plans to keep it brand new slowly faded like the echoes that kept reminding us that this was the right love.

But the truth was true enough to not even hold us back to lie. Honesty led the truth to keep up and not be late… Though it seemed pretty fast, it happened exactly right when it should. It seemed impossible but there it is… It knocked on my door and I invited it in. And it was the fateful meet up you so dread because it brought us to the end of what seemed to be the right love.

Honesty and truth. I welcomed them with great hospitality. Thank you for trying really hard to keep that smile on your face as I fed them and made them feel home. I’m sorry if I did not raise you and prepare you enough for this day. I didn’t realize this was really bound to happen. It pains me to say this. It turns out I had to keep either them or you.

Piliin mo siya, bes.

Piliin mo siya, bes.

Piliin mo siya, bes.
Piliin mo siya dahil alam mo na.

Ang bawat dahilan ng ngiti niya.
Ang sukat ng mga luha niya.
Ang lalim ng kanyang isip.
Piliin mo siya.

Sisirin mo ulit ang dagat ng kanyang isipan.
Suyurin mo ang bawat hangganan.
Doon muli sa inyong tagpuan;
Kayo’y magkaroon ng kasunduan.
Bes, piliin mo siya.

Nang hindi ka na mahirapan,
Sumugal sa bagong kanlungan.
Tumungo sa dayuhang lunan.
Sa ibang puso manahan.

Hindi kita ipinagtatabuyan.
Isa kang alay.
Upang matubos ang lahat.
Ng pait. Ng takot. Ng sigwa
Ng dilim. Ng ligaya. Ng ngiti.
Ng pag-asa.
Piliin mo siya, bes.

Isa kang buntung-hininga.
Sa gitna ng pagsikip ng dibdib
Tubig na kay tagal ‘pinag-igib.
At ngayon husto na
Ang kapahingahan ng aking bisig
Na kahit hindi pag-ibig

Ika’y aking nadinig.
Ika’y aking nadama.
Sa taghoy ng alinlangan
Dumating ka
Pero sapat na.
Piliin mo siya, bes.

Sapat nang matikman
Ang hindi akin
Marahil iyong napansin
Tangan ng iyong “mahal kita”
Ay sa kanya pa rin nakabaling.

I like you pushing me away.

I like you pushing me away.

I like you pushing me away.
The distance between us
Draws a broken heart
Wanting more tortures.
I like how you can smile
As I stand here smiling
Back at you; not minding
The blood and sweat dripping
From me at the sight of
Your sunlight is my moon.
For a rhyme, here I swoon
Spiral to a doom that only
Your love could cause and
Yet–

Non-existing, unrealistic
Describes the kind of love,
The type of affection you
Bear for me. Such a folly.
That I believe it exists knowing
I could describe them in
Words; whilst you deem it
unreal for you don’t feel.
I describe them in words
That etch to my soul. You–
You leave me wanting for
More. Of open wounds;
More. Of fatal scars. More
And more of you. More
Of the hopes that build me.

While I like how you push
Me away from the love I
Think could still be true.
I hope you like me wanting
You. For such affection that
Wants both body and spirit
Is one you so keenly seek.
And it’s the kind that could
Come from me. Come to me.

Some day.

Some day.

And I was sitting on an office chair for a couple of hours straight until the boss entered the big pink room. He took a chair and sat in front of me. I turned to face him hoping to hear words to refresh the dull mind. Amidst the foreign tongues that sound a little there I was listening to the words of the boss. I didn’t even realize that he was already asking me about my future.

All the pink and white objects that surround me, even the little shades of black in the room all seemed to fade away as if they never exist. In a moment, moment I was stuck in a series of flashes of different realities which I first conceived to be merely dreams, hopes. But there I was, sitting; trying to think of a way to get through the conversation that is seemingly drowning me in my train of thoughts that doesn’t even have a decent direction.

“If you want to make your dreams come true so badly, why are you here?” These are the words. Not the very words that the boss uttered but the words that registered in my head. If anything, he had every right to question my presence in this office. And I had that power more than he did, he just happened to have had the upper hand. I sat there with eyes that lingered in space that even I cannot tell what exactly. If I were to tell, I believe it lingered in the flashes that I may have made true in some nights, some days.

I was there not noticing me swiveling on the chair. Every now and then I smile at the sensation of the refreshing words that he utter: words that remind me that my dreams still exist. They remind me that I still have the chance to see, feel and live them. Then again his question stands; hanging like a mistletoe on the Holidays. But I realize as I chew the metaphor, I have no one to kiss. I have the chance but there is no opportunity at the moment; no solidifying agent that would stretch my smile up to my ears.

I looked at my boss and I finally answered his question. I know I said different words but this is how they sounded to me, “I’m here because this is the place to be.” The place to be is now. And it’s the only place I could be and rather be because this is all I have. However, I didn’t argue by posing the question where else should I be… But I know I was right because it felt right. The right here, right now, is exactly where I should be. But what about the hopes and dreams, the flashes, the other realities that I keep blabbing about?

If I were to recall the very words I have been writing for minutes now, I guess it is safe to say that they are all quite blurry. Even I cannot tell what the future brings. Though I know I want to find them out so badly as early as I now, there is no way I can ever help it nor treat other than to just wait. Because that is all that there is to do. I probably sound like I’m slacking off but that’s all that there is. I do know that I must shoot for the moon and that even if I fail I would land on the stars.

The funny thing though is that even if I fail to land on the stars there are countless galaxies out there. There is a vast space that awaits when I take off. So yes, this is my now and I’m owning it. It does suck to live only in the moment but I guess this is the best way to make my life most special.

People weren’t kidding when they said that we must make sure that each second counts because it’s possible. Even if the some seconds, some minutes, some moments suck so bad, it doesn’t mean that they don’t count.

I saw my boss nod to me in agreement. He must have sensed that I knew what I was doing and whatever it was that I was blabbing about. The surge of temporary joy and contentment overpowered me. And I was still.

The best life that I could live starts in every second. Because that is exactly what constitutes the “now.” Though my dreams do not seem real now, I know I have hope. I know I have countless chances. In fact it’s not tomorrow that I keep praying for to come. “Someday.” That is all I could ask for. That’s what living in the now taught me: Someday will come.

Suspended

Suspended

The storm was nothing like the  sun. It doesn’t bother my senses. I function like the very thought circling in his head; involuntary. At least that is what I think.

Sef his name was. I have a habit of calling people names only I would call them, like my own personal brand of alcohol. His locks never miss the touch of his hand. In fact, it is the kind of mannerism that never gets old. His eyes are always curious and most of the time wandering off when you don’t get to talk to him about things that he wants to talk about; sex. He’s selfish that way.

I like to think that I have a thing for noses. I have always been with men and his was the best I’ve kissed so far. His nose doesn’t exactly have a pointy end. I remember letting Sef trace my neck with his nose and I felt his yearning. But as the tracks stayed there, I felt them burning. The burns felt real and but I was doubtful. Maybe it was just his nose; just the nose, just the passion and never love.

My phone beeped a bit and in a split second, there reads, “Heyyy.” It took him eight hours to notice me. It is always like that. I don’t mind. Life’s always been like that; a treacherous wait. You do so much today to get your mind off something or someone. You try so hard to wash them off your head with coffee but you keep waking up in the morning thinking about them like they never left your head not even for a moment. It’s frustrating at first but countless tomorrows taught me how waiting can make you feel just numb. When the so-called right time comes your way with one single “Heyyy,” you’re just caught off guard. And you don’t exactly know what you’ve forgotten; whether it’s the process of forgetting or just him.

“Ssup.” I replied likes it’s  a god damn creed. Frozen. This is what I get for feeling so much and nothing all at once. I never really know where to be. I am practically lost but I never call myself an imbecile for it. I know what I’m doing. I was told that I don’t always have to have a reason.

It was a dull morning. The weather says stay at home, clean up and wallow in loneliness when you feel like it. It did manage to say “you can try your luck asking friends over.” And on the end note, it whispers, “HAHA kidding” with stronger winds as the rain poured harder.

All that thinking in my head and it felt like eternity there before I actually got up. I stretched and let out a hard sigh. “Cheers to another day with shit ton of things to do and not accomplishing anything,” I say in my head. And then I throw my fist in the air with the hope of not screwing up the day.

It was 7:55AM.

Here’s an actual reality check. That was a Thursday and I should be in class at 12nn. But I have a meeting at 9am so I should have left home by then. But as of 9pm  the night before, classes had already been suspended. So that means, I could go have fun but there isn’t anyone to have fun with. Judging the way the weather greeted me that morning, I think it was quite clear that I will be stuck at home no matter what.

You know, it would have been nice if I had him over. We could have played video games. He could have helped me clean up a bit and then I would have taught him how to cook. We’d have lunch together. We could have watched a movie while we ate. And then we’d have dissed it out of boredom because it wasn’t really fun to do. Then we’d have talked for  half an hour until we find ourselves in a doozy. He could have kissed me and I could have kissed him back. His arms would have found my waist and up to my breast and then to my face as he could have took me down. And then we end up doing thing we should not be doing. Something that he would love to do. Something that I am open to do.

But I would rather not. I love having the place to myself even if it means that I would have to resist the cold weather and fight the angry noises in my head. Sef can try hard to barge in but he doesn’t know where I live. I know he’d be happy to be at home playing video games with his laptop til his heart’s content or invite friends over— whatever. I’d rather not really. I’d rather not feed the possibilities and impossibilities or whatever you call them. I am not giving in.

And then I heard that beep.

I swear you could hear me cursing in my head because it read, “All is good. Had breakfast yet?” Well, fuck you. Fuck you and that insinuation. Fuck you and your god damn reservations, Sef. Just fuck you.

Or not.

Damn it.

It’s just that, what I should not be doing at the time was believe that you actually care. The least thing I could do at the time was hope that you’d reciprocate yearning with pure affection and not mere passion that would only go nowhere. I wouldn’t want fireworks that shoot for the moon and not even land on the stars. I wouldn’t want that kind of spark, that explosion that elevate so high and yet not even leave the very fabric of the planet.

Because seriously, look at where that got me now.