The storm was nothing like the sun. It doesn’t bother my senses. I function like the very thought circling in his head; involuntary. At least that is what I think.
Sef his name was. I have a habit of calling people names only I would call them, like my own personal brand of alcohol. His locks never miss the touch of his hand. In fact, it is the kind of mannerism that never gets old. His eyes are always curious and most of the time wandering off when you don’t get to talk to him about things that he wants to talk about; sex. He’s selfish that way.
I like to think that I have a thing for noses. I have always been with men and his was the best I’ve kissed so far. His nose doesn’t exactly have a pointy end. I remember letting Sef trace my neck with his nose and I felt his yearning. But as the tracks stayed there, I felt them burning. The burns felt real and but I was doubtful. Maybe it was just his nose; just the nose, just the passion and never love.
My phone beeped a bit and in a split second, there reads, “Heyyy.” It took him eight hours to notice me. It is always like that. I don’t mind. Life’s always been like that; a treacherous wait. You do so much today to get your mind off something or someone. You try so hard to wash them off your head with coffee but you keep waking up in the morning thinking about them like they never left your head not even for a moment. It’s frustrating at first but countless tomorrows taught me how waiting can make you feel just numb. When the so-called right time comes your way with one single “Heyyy,” you’re just caught off guard. And you don’t exactly know what you’ve forgotten; whether it’s the process of forgetting or just him.
“Ssup.” I replied likes it’s a god damn creed. Frozen. This is what I get for feeling so much and nothing all at once. I never really know where to be. I am practically lost but I never call myself an imbecile for it. I know what I’m doing. I was told that I don’t always have to have a reason.
It was a dull morning. The weather says stay at home, clean up and wallow in loneliness when you feel like it. It did manage to say “you can try your luck asking friends over.” And on the end note, it whispers, “HAHA kidding” with stronger winds as the rain poured harder.
All that thinking in my head and it felt like eternity there before I actually got up. I stretched and let out a hard sigh. “Cheers to another day with shit ton of things to do and not accomplishing anything,” I say in my head. And then I throw my fist in the air with the hope of not screwing up the day.
It was 7:55AM.
Here’s an actual reality check. That was a Thursday and I should be in class at 12nn. But I have a meeting at 9am so I should have left home by then. But as of 9pm the night before, classes had already been suspended. So that means, I could go have fun but there isn’t anyone to have fun with. Judging the way the weather greeted me that morning, I think it was quite clear that I will be stuck at home no matter what.
You know, it would have been nice if I had him over. We could have played video games. He could have helped me clean up a bit and then I would have taught him how to cook. We’d have lunch together. We could have watched a movie while we ate. And then we’d have dissed it out of boredom because it wasn’t really fun to do. Then we’d have talked for half an hour until we find ourselves in a doozy. He could have kissed me and I could have kissed him back. His arms would have found my waist and up to my breast and then to my face as he could have took me down. And then we end up doing thing we should not be doing. Something that he would love to do. Something that I am open to do.
But I would rather not. I love having the place to myself even if it means that I would have to resist the cold weather and fight the angry noises in my head. Sef can try hard to barge in but he doesn’t know where I live. I know he’d be happy to be at home playing video games with his laptop til his heart’s content or invite friends over— whatever. I’d rather not really. I’d rather not feed the possibilities and impossibilities or whatever you call them. I am not giving in.
And then I heard that beep.
I swear you could hear me cursing in my head because it read, “All is good. Had breakfast yet?” Well, fuck you. Fuck you and that insinuation. Fuck you and your god damn reservations, Sef. Just fuck you.
It’s just that, what I should not be doing at the time was believe that you actually care. The least thing I could do at the time was hope that you’d reciprocate yearning with pure affection and not mere passion that would only go nowhere. I wouldn’t want fireworks that shoot for the moon and not even land on the stars. I wouldn’t want that kind of spark, that explosion that elevate so high and yet not even leave the very fabric of the planet.
Because seriously, look at where that got me now.