Not so far away

Not so far away

He spoke to me like we didn’t come so far.

“Dad, where will we attend the mass?” I asked as keen as I could knowing that he wouldn’t please me with any answer that he’d give me. It was hours– maybe  minutes before we would have left the nice house that was our home for two nights. Not that I didn’t want to leave but I wanted to stay.

“By afternoon maybe,” he said as he busily tended for his car that stood there in the cold morning. He glided his cloth from front and back and side to side. He didn’t even look at me. “Your mom and I still have a meeting at your TIto Ed’s. I don’t think your brothers would want to stay there anyway and that’ll take long.”

My mind wandered off thinking of ways to make the most of my remaining time being here up north. It’s a prvilege to be back here after a long, long while. And it sucks so bad that I would have to go home anytime soon. I will miss the nicely limited view of the outside from the window in the room. The cold of the air feels alien to me like I really am somewhere else apart from the world that I live in which is mostly pressure and creeping demons of all shapes and forms. I like the desk here; it has become my little corner here where I can just feel isolated in a way that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely but alone. Everything that is not nonexistent in my own little corner back home, I will miss them.

I wiped my nose with my bare fingers trying to shoo the lingering sniffles in my system. “We might go home first,” said my father catching me wipe my nose. My eyes caught his for a bit and as expected, I put up an emotionless face,

I only said “okay” to cut off the bland conversation and go on with my plan to make my remaining holiday time worth while– except it is impossible.

Not that I didn’t want to leave, I just wanted to stay for a little longer because I know that the hours that keep me away from my nightmares make me content even for a while. But my father made it seem like I’m not so far away after all. And the fear crept into my nerves while it sat there feeling nothing for two nights. For a moment, it changed. And now I am scared again.


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