There was one night I looked at the stars from within the bounds of the jeepney that I was riding. But I couldn’t see it clearly. At the back of my head, he sat down beside me lost in his own mind and I could not bare to break the silence. As soon as I got the chance, I didn’t think twice about leaving him behind.
Mind you, he was not nothing to me. He was not everything to me either. He meant a lot. He meant more than what I could say —but not everything.
Perhaps you could say I was so stupid that I did leave him behind just to get a clear view of the stars. You’re right about my being stupid but it wasn’t actually because of the majestic sky waiting for my eyes to set upon. It was not because of the cool air that I haven’t had the privilege to enjoy than dread.
If I could recall correctly, I could not tell whether or not I was waiting for him lend me his arm to hold me close as we both get closer to my stop. I could not even remember whether or not I wanted to lay my head against his shoulder and wait until his hand would caress my head to let me know he’s there and he loves me even when his head so far away from me. But my getting lost in the not-thinking-state did not stop me from getting off all of a sudden.
I didn’t for him to follow me. I didn’t wait for anything. I was secured that he wouldn’t take up the same path I would partake. I knew that. For that one bit, I could say I’m not stupid. And it did make me think that one day, he just might stop following me in my head. One day, he just might stop following through my expression of affection to him.
I swore to myself that perhaps one day I would love him. Someday. And that someday did come.
Someday, now, might mean otherwise.
And you should know that I dread that as early as now. I don’t see no light that comes after it. No bright side, no sun, only nothingness amidst the dark that I know well.
i honestly do not know what to think now. I kept telling myself I did nothing. That was nothing. That meant nothing at all. I didn’t do anything. To put them into sheer words, I did not do anything terrible to someone I care about the most. I did not hurt him. I did not get him worried. I did not upset him.
But of course, the side of me that should not exist wins and proves herself to be more evil than ever.
Not only did I drop the jeepney far too early than I should. I may have appeared to have dropped him down too. Not that I want to nor choose to. Maybe it just happened.
And I regret it.