Let’s start there.

Let’s start there.

It’s amazing how sleep would wash away how we turn each other off. The way you want me is as clear as the red checks and the red marks on my final research draft. The haunting that it gives is of the same gravity. To think that heartbreak is one thing that I try so hard to avoid; I stand here. Barely caring about what I’d get from all this.

All we have are late night conversations about how my day was and how my life works. I’d be lucky if I would hear the snippets of yours. You would often say that you’re tired and that you just came home. And you pay attention to me like your late night tv left turned on for the night until you fall asleep. I’ll lie in bed waiting for a couple beeps; waiting for you until I fall to a deep sleep not realizing I’ve ceased caring about ‘us.’

I do know that you have a knack for keeping yourself for yourself. And I guess I could say that I understand that. You probably are just selfish that way. You’d rather let others have your body. You’d rather let others have your heart. But never your soul.

I would never ask for your heart unless you give it to me, you know. I don’t believe that I would have to earn that either. It is yours to own or perhaps offer… give, even. I know you’d give me your skin any day. I understand that you’d want me to heal tiny open wounds, stitch them and bandage them with my kisses. And as they come, you gladly accept them knowing it shall keep you alive even just for awhile.  But right now, I long for a window to your soul. I yearn to see you raw.

I know for a fact that the ‘you’ you are now is not exactly the you that I want to see. There’s something more into it, I know. I just happen to be the wrong person to ask of it. Or I am the last person in your mind that you would allow to see yourself bent. But I guess, that is definitely not how things work.

But who cares anyway? I don’t. You don’t. So I guess, let’s just start right there. Let’s start right where we both don’t care at all. It’s not really a game. But I guess we could say we’re adopting fire for a pet. I just don’t know how long we’ll have to tame it. But that’s a start. We don’t care anyway.

Go dream of him.

Go dream of him.

Go dream of him.
With waterfalls on the background.
The sound of water hitting the river
echoes with his kisses.

Go dream of him.
Taking you out on a roadtrip.
The sound of the stereo
surround you like his arms.

Go dream of him.
Holding your hand as you walk.
The sound of the streets
make music like his whispers.

Go dream of him.
With him dreaming of you.
The sound of his wanting
for once feel real
in the dead of night.

Ang tunay na kaibigan ko

Ang tunay na kaibigan ko

Ang tunay na kaibigan ko:
Maraming alam.

Alam na ang pagtawa ko
Ay dulot ng mababaw na kaligayahan.
Dulot ng isang tasa ng matamis na kape.
Dulot ng masayang kwento sa gabi.
Dulot ng mga simpleng ngiti.
Dulot ng mga “kunwari”
Dulot ng pekeng sandali.

Alam na ang pag-iyak ko
Ay buhat ng mga problema
Buhat ng lungkot sa umaga.
Buhat ng magulong kama.
Buhat ng “may mahal siyang iba”
Buhat ng “wala akong pag-asa”
Buhat ng pagkabigo ni Mama.
Buhat ng ‘di ako mahal ni Kuya.
Buhat ng ‘di ko na kaya.

Alam na ang hudyat ng ‘tangina’
Ay gawa ng kinikilig ako.
Gawa ng kanyang paglaho.
Gawa ng mababang grado.
Gawa ng kawirdohan ng mundo.
Gawa ng dami ng trabaho.
Gawa ng init ng ulo.
Gawa ng dami ng pagbabago.

Ang tunay na kaibigan ko.
Maraming alam.

Alam na tanga ako.
Pero tanga rin siya.
Alam na gago ako.
Pero gago rin siya.
Alam na patibong ako
Kahit siya rin pala.
Alam na may sapi ako
Kahit minsan siya rin pala.
Alam na iba ako
Kahit lalo naman siya.

Ang tunay na kaibigan ko.
Maraming alam.

Parang ako.
Maalam magdrama.

My house looks a lot like this.

My house looks a lot like this.

My house looks a lot like this.
The living room, the dining area
Both sit in one floor

Like twins.
Like the sun and moon
both hang in the sky at once.

Here I am.
The computer stays in the middle
On one side; turn  to both directions

Left and right, I can
see everything like I’m god.
Like the universe

Revolve around me.
I’m at the center. I’m
The sun where all

That consists this humble home
surround me. So much
descriptions; imagery.

But this is how it is.
We make normal sound
extraordinary as if it is.

While in fact it is,
We don’t feel what we say.
But this is home.

Like life.
Like us.
Like truth.

Siguro pag-uwi ko.

Siguro pag-uwi ko.

Siguro mamaya
pagbaba ko ng tren
Makikita kita
Nakauniporme’t may nakasukbit na bag
sa balikat mo.
Tulad ko may suot na headphones.
Titigan lang kita ng mga limang segundo.
Tapos titingnan mo ako.
Tapos babaling ako sa kalsada
o sa mga ilaw na nakamasid.
Hahayaan kitang madala ng iyong pagtataka
sa pag-asang kakausapin mo ako.

Siguro pagkatapos ‘non
kahit panandalian lang
May mararamdaman akong sigwa
Ng pag-ibig? Hindi.
Ng pagkakaibigan? Pwede naman.
Ng pagtitinginan? ‘Yan.
Sino bang nagsabing
may susunod pa kung sa sandaling
nagsalubong ang simula’t wakas
ay ‘di ka naman handa?

Siguro  kapag iniwan na ako ng tren
makakasakay ako ng jeep
na may pagmumuni munihan.
Iisipin ko kung paano
magkakaroon ng tayo
o kung paano kita makikilala.
Marahil maisip ko rin kung
paano kita mapapanaginipan
o makakalimutan.

Siguro pag-uwi ko para ka nang hangin
at hindi tao.
Hindi kita nakita.
Hindi kita nadama.
Pero alam kong buhay ka.
Siguro nga.

Suspended

Suspended

The storm was nothing like the  sun. It doesn’t bother my senses. I function like the very thought circling in his head; involuntary. At least that is what I think.

Sef his name was. I have a habit of calling people names only I would call them, like my own personal brand of alcohol. His locks never miss the touch of his hand. In fact, it is the kind of mannerism that never gets old. His eyes are always curious and most of the time wandering off when you don’t get to talk to him about things that he wants to talk about; sex. He’s selfish that way.

I like to think that I have a thing for noses. I have always been with men and his was the best I’ve kissed so far. His nose doesn’t exactly have a pointy end. I remember letting Sef trace my neck with his nose and I felt his yearning. But as the tracks stayed there, I felt them burning. The burns felt real and but I was doubtful. Maybe it was just his nose; just the nose, just the passion and never love.

My phone beeped a bit and in a split second, there reads, “Heyyy.” It took him eight hours to notice me. It is always like that. I don’t mind. Life’s always been like that; a treacherous wait. You do so much today to get your mind off something or someone. You try so hard to wash them off your head with coffee but you keep waking up in the morning thinking about them like they never left your head not even for a moment. It’s frustrating at first but countless tomorrows taught me how waiting can make you feel just numb. When the so-called right time comes your way with one single “Heyyy,” you’re just caught off guard. And you don’t exactly know what you’ve forgotten; whether it’s the process of forgetting or just him.

“Ssup.” I replied likes it’s  a god damn creed. Frozen. This is what I get for feeling so much and nothing all at once. I never really know where to be. I am practically lost but I never call myself an imbecile for it. I know what I’m doing. I was told that I don’t always have to have a reason.

It was a dull morning. The weather says stay at home, clean up and wallow in loneliness when you feel like it. It did manage to say “you can try your luck asking friends over.” And on the end note, it whispers, “HAHA kidding” with stronger winds as the rain poured harder.

All that thinking in my head and it felt like eternity there before I actually got up. I stretched and let out a hard sigh. “Cheers to another day with shit ton of things to do and not accomplishing anything,” I say in my head. And then I throw my fist in the air with the hope of not screwing up the day.

It was 7:55AM.

Here’s an actual reality check. That was a Thursday and I should be in class at 12nn. But I have a meeting at 9am so I should have left home by then. But as of 9pm  the night before, classes had already been suspended. So that means, I could go have fun but there isn’t anyone to have fun with. Judging the way the weather greeted me that morning, I think it was quite clear that I will be stuck at home no matter what.

You know, it would have been nice if I had him over. We could have played video games. He could have helped me clean up a bit and then I would have taught him how to cook. We’d have lunch together. We could have watched a movie while we ate. And then we’d have dissed it out of boredom because it wasn’t really fun to do. Then we’d have talked for  half an hour until we find ourselves in a doozy. He could have kissed me and I could have kissed him back. His arms would have found my waist and up to my breast and then to my face as he could have took me down. And then we end up doing thing we should not be doing. Something that he would love to do. Something that I am open to do.

But I would rather not. I love having the place to myself even if it means that I would have to resist the cold weather and fight the angry noises in my head. Sef can try hard to barge in but he doesn’t know where I live. I know he’d be happy to be at home playing video games with his laptop til his heart’s content or invite friends over— whatever. I’d rather not really. I’d rather not feed the possibilities and impossibilities or whatever you call them. I am not giving in.

And then I heard that beep.

I swear you could hear me cursing in my head because it read, “All is good. Had breakfast yet?” Well, fuck you. Fuck you and that insinuation. Fuck you and your god damn reservations, Sef. Just fuck you.

Or not.

Damn it.

It’s just that, what I should not be doing at the time was believe that you actually care. The least thing I could do at the time was hope that you’d reciprocate yearning with pure affection and not mere passion that would only go nowhere. I wouldn’t want fireworks that shoot for the moon and not even land on the stars. I wouldn’t want that kind of spark, that explosion that elevate so high and yet not even leave the very fabric of the planet.

Because seriously, look at where that got me now.

 

I love you like this.

I love you like this.

I love you like this. I will let you hold me; harder than the way you would hold her. In fact, get a good grip of my waist like superglue, like permanence. You can take hold of my neck like I’m your slave. In fact, kiss me like I’m sentenced to a slaughter. Be the beast that you so badly want to be in the dead of night; yearning so hard to be alive. You don’t have to worry about the huntress that I have always been. I won’t have to shoot you down. In fact, I’ll be the prey. We’ll trace a map and leave tracks on the bed where we made passion alive for a night that was eternally young. Ageless. We’d proclaim the territories we’ve conquered but never how. We’ll be a culmination of history reimagined on the coming nights that we’re haunted. Haunted by the grudges etched on our skin; the kisses on every inch of my body that you one too many times tried hard to memorize and still get lost in. Not to mention the sighs that echoed in the moonlight; like howling ghosts that neither scare nor shock. I love you like that. Like forever was another word for delusion. Like pain.