Bangungot ng Kawalan

Masarap titigan ang kawalan. Walang espasyo, walang kahit ano. Malawak at madilim; minsan maliwanag.

Sa layo at lalim ng aking pagtingin kung saan tangan ko ang landas na hindi ko rin mailarawan, unti-unting nagkakakulay ang kawalan. Nagkakaroon ng mga imaheng hindi ko pininta. Hindi ko man sadya’y kusang nagsisipatakan ang mga kulay na hindi ko rin alam ang pinanggalingan. Unti-unti, sila’y nagsisipatak sa kawalan na dapat ay walang patutunguhan, walang katapusan.

Mapusyaw. Walang matingkad. Ang kadilima’t liwanag ay napupuno ng kulay. Wala ni isa sa mga kulay ang nagsasabing masaya ako. Ang mga imahen ay napupuno ng mga masalimuot na katotohanan. Unti-unti, tila ako’y kinakahon sa rehas ng mga kulay hanggang sa tuluyan ko nang maramdaman ang aking pagkakagapos sa riyalidad na hindi ko kailanman matatakasan.

Dapat masaya ako. Dapat matingkad ang bahagharing minamasdan ko. Subalit hindi ko kayang kulayan ang mundo ng malungkot na kulay. Ito lamang ang mayroon ako, lungkot at pag-asang may magpapatingkad ng bungungot ko. Sa gayon lang nanaisin kong manatili sa kawalan.

Love Cats.

I’m going to put it this way. First, cats have nine lives. Second, you are what you love. And remember that you love cats. And you are worth more than cats. You’re worth more than your utter love for cats.

Everyday, you watch them wander and sleep around the house. Sometimes, you can’t even help wonder how come they stay so cute and adorable and still have nine lives. And here you are, an idiot who knows so much, does so much and still not get the reprieve you deserve. But you still love cats.

Sometimes, you just want to lay in your bed and wait for them to crawl and find a spot beside you. From there you take the time to relish the moment that you get to cuddle with that little monster. Oblivious from the reality, you share the vibe that your feline possess. And you wake up a “feline” the next day.

But you know, what? You are strong and independent—but still slightly an idiot. Nonetheless, you are smart enough to not be a lazy butt like that cat right there. You know more. You do more. And that is just the beginning of everything. There is so much more that is ahead.

“And you are worth more than cats. You’re worth more than your utter love for cats.”

That being said, no matter how stupid, should at least push you a little further to the limit and break the walls that bar you from your hopes, your dreams. Cats have nine lives. But you have so much more. Be strong. Cats are lazy butts– but cute. But you’re a rockstar– and still cute. Remember that.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious bubbles

Bubbles flit and float. The wind
Cradled them for that moment.
One by one it popped like you
Suddenly appearing out of the
Blue. And the blue faded away.
(Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

I saw the light in those bubbles,
You see. Reflecting the rainbows.
I could only blabber the word over
And over. For that time was as
precious as the day I was born.
(Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

And that could have been the first
Word that I wanted to learn for it
was you exactly. The hikes and the
Downfalls were as amazing as
Those bubbles that slowly flew.
(Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

Hence, there came the glory days;
The days that popped like bubbles.
Some seem too small. Some great.
Some lasted for quite a long while.
But they were all just as precious.
(Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

/floccinaucinihilipilification/

This is exactly how you see me.
You know I am here. I am concrete.
But you never dared touch nor feel
Nor see me like how I wanted, needed.

What do you know about noticing?
Exit all that is between you and me.
(This is exactly how you see me.)
You know I am here. I am concrete.

But I’m treated as though I’m unseen
Yet still living; breathing the air.
But you never dared touch nor feel
Nor see me like how I wanted, needed.

I am no figment of anyone’s dreams.
I could be worth more than of all them.
This is exactly how you see me.
But I’m treated as though I’m unseen.

I am a failure.

I like to think that I achieve a lot by failing.
I like to think that I am smart for failing more
than I succeed. I mean, look at me. I’m just another
bloke: not so tall, under-average, fairly adequate.
I don’t do sports. I don’t like studying. I just do
what I do. I don’t even rhyme. I don’t even care.
I don’t look forward nor back. But I think a lot.
I lost so many battles. I lost so many times. I
even lost people along the way. Tell me again, how
much of a loser I am for still living. I have news
for you, stranger. I’m not a winner. I’m a fighter.

Quarterback/Striker

The field was quieter than I thought.
Apart from the moments lost; Glory
Gazed upon me like an old friend.
For a moment, the wilderness ate me up.
I watched the dark clouds cave the sky.
Heads up; I have one last shot before
I lose my mind. I kept practicing how
To emerge victorious like I always have.
The wind blew and whispered sofly: “run”
On my feet; a few big steps and kick.
I watched the ball defy gravity and fly.
I didn’t even notice its wings flutter.
Until it burned to ashes and it was
Blown away. There I stood. Dream’s over.
It’s about time to face the real enemy.

I will not wait for you

I will not wait for you.
None of you. Your freedom
Must not and will not hold
Me back; I have my own.
I am free and you are too.

But you do not hold me in
Chains; Your claws are not
Sharp in any degree. Harm
Me. Scare me. Threaten me.
Wound me. Scar me. But no —

I’m not afraid at all. I can move
Forward and not back, especially
Back. Because that’s the only
Thing you can do but not to me.
I’m too free to be held down

By you, swarm of black demons
That taunt the brave and bold.
I’ll have to finish the race alone
If I have to and I have to. I will
reach the end of the road without

You. Any of you. Race of slackers,
Slow workers and of lazybones.

Promises, promises

Promise me this. Promise me exactly this. That Friday nights at the park would be awesome; just you, me and the stars. We can welcome the streetlights and the loud horns out of nowhere. The people would pass us by like comets which we barely even notice knowing we’re the brightest celestial bodies hovering around our galaxy. Not even the noise would bring us down for we own these nights.

We would take a stroll noticing things; tiny things that we’ve always held dear. We will talk about how life was unkind and how destiny was compassionate to us, so much that fate graced us with miracles. And then we will talk about how the personification of those miracles were having each other.

But these are promises that cannot be made real. At least, not for the time being as we are fated to part time and time again.

One thing I learned from promises that cannot be made real is quite simple. Some promises could be broken. Some promises could and could not be realized. Others become dreams worth achieving.

Panalangin ng Selosa

Aaminin ko sa’yo. Lagi akong nagsasalita
Pero bibihira ko lang sabihin sa’yo ang mga
Sakit na minsan ko lang maramdaman na
Mamaga, magsugat at magdugo. Payo ko
Lang; H’wag mo nang tangkain na saktan
Ako, na halos wala nang ginawa kung hindi
Mag-isip. Iniisip kita. Iniisip ko ang ngayon.

Iniisip ko ang pang-habang buhay na pangako
ng ngayon. Iniisip ko ang bukas kung sisikat pa
Ang araw; kung magkikita pa tayo sa sinumpaan
Nating tagpuan. Iniisip ko kung dapat pa ba
Akong maniwala sa mga salita mo na minsan mo
Nang pinatunayang totoo. Pero nagbabago ang
Tao; pati kulay ng puso nagbabago rin. Ikaw;

Lingid sa kaalaman mo nagbabago ka rin.
Hindi man ang kulay mo, hindi man ang hugis
Ng iyong mukha, ni hindi rin ang iyong pagkatao.
Subalit hindi batid nito na hindi magbabago ang
Iyong pagtingin. Kung kaya’t ikukubli ko na lang
Ang hiling kong hindi magbago ang pag-ibig mo.

The Burning Hearth and the Waiting Game

Tell me again if the hearth alone burns your skin. Though you’re inches away; just give me the word and I would put away the fire myself. I’ll cover you with something else. Something else, but not me. No part of me shall touch any of you. No heat, no light. None of me. As I know that neither all of me nor any part of me would make you feel any better.

I’m the still burning ember of the fire that made you feel home. I’m still a part of the warmth that you yearned for the night; the body, the arm, the shoulder, you held on to. I am still. And I made you better. I made you feel better. I haven’t changed. But understand that time did.

It passed and it no second shall come to pass the other way around. No entity, not even I can watch the days come back to me when everything was wonderful. Those days when we held hands as if we held the world was still from the storms that caved above and beneath. Those days when we embraced and locked limbs as we held the earth safe from the depths of the abyss. Those days; glory days that always, always come back when yet could never be frozen.

But times have changed and I have to wait for that again. For now, we watch the clocks turning and the world revolving. We’ll have tears and sweat shed by and by as the seconds pass. Bodies apart; no contact. We keep each other warm with no skin nor limb entwining. We’ll have to surpass that oncoming storm not so apart yet seemingly alone in the days, the nights and the twilights ahead.

Maybe the hearth does burn you from inches away. And it pains me to hurt you even when I have said none nor done nothing. Here I stand watching you. I watch you burn as you try and reach me. Do me a favor. Don’t reach for me.

I know I’d feel less alone knowing you wait and I wait; watching the clocks turning and the world revolving. You and I would be still. And that would be enough.