Status

[7-30-16]

Dear Reader,

I cannot believe that it’s been ages since I last personally wrote to everyone who was interested in whatever the f*ck I wanted to say on my blog. I know it sucks that I mostly act like a ghost in here. But hey, I guess it’s reasonable that I publish updates now.

  1. I earned my Bachelor’s degree in majoring in English. I marched last April in the PICC Plenary Hall. I’m one of the surviving graduates of Polytechnic University of the Philippines Batch 2016. Also I’m one of the fortunate ones to graduate with Latin honors.
  2. I’ve started working in my Alma Mater, De La Salle Araneta University (I went to this school for High School) in the Lasallian Language Center as an ESL Teacher. I’m on my second month as an employee.
  3. I’m still the same old me. Worked up about the things I want to do, the places I want to go and the things I want to keep in life. For the mean time, this will be enough. I will keep buying things I need to survive and save up for the beautiful things I want to make living the now more fun and interesting than I expected and dreamed.

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Cheers to exiting the university life. Behold the gate; there it is, waiting for me. All I have to do is step outside, keep walking and just let life happen as it does.

— Annie Sparkle

PS: I hope to put up more photos, posts and weekly stuff to make this blog more exciting. Ayt? I love y’all.

Something to laugh about.

Something to laugh about.

One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.

Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.

All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.

“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.

Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.

We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.

Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.

And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.

Flickering lights

Flickering lights

Flickering lights
mistake me for being
in love with the likes
of him
who passed by.

He who passed by is
a glorious face
I see
in my dreams.

He who passed by?
He who ignited
millions of universes
in my mind
remain blurry

in my dreams.
A seemingly familiar
face not-so-clear
in my head.

He is an occasion.
But he, my love –He.

Flickering lights
should deem me
in love with the likes
of him
who can fly.

My heart is in the sky.
He flies with wings
of metal and of blood;
flown from the heart
that beats for mine.

 

Una querida

Una querida

Minahal kita nang higit sa inakala mo. Sa kabila
ng mga pag-iwas at pagiging mailap ko sa mga
panahong inasam mo ang yakap at halik ko. Pero
marahil hindi mo na masyadong binigyang pansin.
Ganito pala maging kabit.

Wala ka nang karapatan umasta na nagmamahal
ka; dahil mas mahalaga ang pag-ibig at pag-abiad
niya sa iba. Sa iba. Kahit alam mo na hindi naman
siya talaga mahal nung unang minahal niya. Tonta.
Ganito pala maging kabit.

Siya ang iyong buhay. Ikaw ang kanyang aliw.
Siya ang iyong pag-ibig habang ikaw; wala. Siya
namang tunay dahil pwede mo naman siyang
mahalin pero hindi ka niya masusuklian. Punyeta.
Ganito pala maging kabit.

Halos mawalan siya ng tulog sa bawat gabing
dumadaan at kapiling niya ang “iba” habang wala
ka namang ibang magawa kung hindi ang mapaisip
na lang. Iba and inaaruga niya at sadyang sampid ka lang.
Ganito pala maging kabit.

Anuman ang mangyari ang lahat ng ito ay nagsimula
sa isang pangarap. Malinaw sa akin na ako ang
tunay na bahagi ng pangarap na iyon subalit hindi
talaga ako ang katuwang niya sa pag-abot noon.
Ganito pala maging kabit.

Matapos lang ang bangungot na ito; matapos lang
ang walang hanggang pagligo sa pawis at papel;
Sa huli ay sa puso ko rin naman ang punta mo.
Kahit ba na thesis ang asawa mo’t kabit lang ako.
Sa ngayon lang ako kabit.

As the music plays on

As the music plays on

She listened to that eccentrically electric music and had herself lost in her imagination. Her head traveled faster than any plane could. She reached the very top of the Eiffel Tower with her eyes closed. Her soul hadn’t left the same warm spot but she’s already walked past the Big Ben. Each little dainty note crawled into her ear and showed her the sleepless New York City lights. But at the last second that her mind could wander at the time, she saw herself walking through the grey and green park in Manila. The same rain that fell that day, seemingly dropped on her eyes.

The dream could go on forever. She could practically go to places; wherever she pleases. She doesn’t need a drink, a drug or anything that could take her high. Just keep the music playing and she’ll go on forever.

Even when forever would one day choose to meet its end.

The Burning Hearth and the Waiting Game

The Burning Hearth and the Waiting Game

Tell me again if the hearth alone burns your skin. Though you’re inches away; just give me the word and I would put away the fire myself. I’ll cover you with something else. Something else, but not me. No part of me shall touch any of you. No heat, no light. None of me. As I know that neither all of me nor any part of me would make you feel any better.

I’m the still burning ember of the fire that made you feel home. I’m still a part of the warmth that you yearned for the night; the body, the arm, the shoulder, you held on to. I am still. And I made you better. I made you feel better. I haven’t changed. But understand that time did.

It passed and it no second shall come to pass the other way around. No entity, not even I can watch the days come back to me when everything was wonderful. Those days when we held hands as if we held the world was still from the storms that caved above and beneath. Those days when we embraced and locked limbs as we held the earth safe from the depths of the abyss. Those days; glory days that always, always come back when yet could never be frozen.

But times have changed and I have to wait for that again. For now, we watch the clocks turning and the world revolving. We’ll have tears and sweat shed by and by as the seconds pass. Bodies apart; no contact. We keep each other warm with no skin nor limb entwining. We’ll have to surpass that oncoming storm not so apart yet seemingly alone in the days, the nights and the twilights ahead.

Maybe the hearth does burn you from inches away. And it pains me to hurt you even when I have said none nor done nothing. Here I stand watching you. I watch you burn as you try and reach me. Do me a favor. Don’t reach for me.

I know I’d feel less alone knowing you wait and I wait; watching the clocks turning and the world revolving. You and I would be still. And that would be enough.

07-10-15

07-10-15

Dear Reader,

I’m nearing the midterm of the second to the last semester of my college life. (I swear, I wanted to call “college life” something else; crap, I suck). Today marks one of the most significant life events of mine so far. I guess, I should keep the latter private. Nonetheless, I’m actually conflicted with what to emphasize and what to say… but along with others, I have lost a friend. It’s been days and of course, we have not moved on. BUT THE RAIN. Oh, the rain keeps pouring and it will keep pouring for two more days.

This school week lost four out of five days. Technically, it’s an entire week of suspension due to the hard rains brought by two typhoons. I must say for this wave, we’ve all been prepared and rather organized. There weren’t much casualties so I guess my countrymen survived the initial wave of rainstorms.

No, I’m not going to talk about the friend that I lost. We aren’t close but it is painful to lose someone the way I did; the way we all did.

And the load of academic readings, work and adjustments won’t be any easy for sure. The anxiety, the pressure and all that poisons the mind slowly caves in. And it’s actually working to smash my determination into a million angry pieces. That’s actually not a good news. But because I’m still rather conflicted with the turn of events, I choose to settle down and refrain from assessing my academic endeavors. It’s freaking me out even so I should probably stop and take a break.

–Annie Sparkle