Something to laugh about.

One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.

Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.

All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.

“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.

Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.

We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.

Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.

And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.

[5-22-15]

Dear Reader,

This day marks the day that I was set free. Shackles left me wounded though. And as I forced myself to move on, I found myself healing my cuts with antiseptic which stung me like hell. For quite some time, I believed I’d have to stay there forever. Except, forever did not exist in such context.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to remind you that you deserve so much more than being mistreated. You deserve to evolve to a better version of you. Everyday is a puzzle piece that would complete you so make it count. You always have a choice. There is always a way even when you least expect, wish and hope for it.

…and that has been me being sappy and feeling surreal about the turn of events for the past year. If I do deserve to be happy no matter how much of a bitch I have been, you deserve to be happy too. We all do. Choose that and act on it.

–Annie Sparkle

Me and my band of misfits

People say that you usually find the friends you’ll grow up with when you reach college. And maybe those people weren’t wrong. Because now, I’m glad to report that I have found the crowd that I belong to. And I actually am happy about it.

The pursuit of the crowd we belong to is actually as hard as finding  who, what and where you would really end up with life. It’s actually funny because that doesn’t come in order either. It does not necessarily have to be connected. The events happen not in ways we want them to be but most of the time, they happen just as how they should be. Not all circumstances are found in the most unlikely ways but they are found in ways as they are destined to be. The best part is that it happens as you grow to find your true north as you journey through every corner of your being and learn to know who you really are.

We are every profession created just to find who we are. We are scientists for experimenting through different instances to find out where we’ll be happy. We are artists to create new things that will be worth our while. We are teachers to the people we encounter everyday; we teach them the biggest and littlest things whether we know or not. We are architects for drawing blue prints for different plans in our lives and project them to how we want them to look like. We are engineers to make these plans work. We’ve been students for the longest time learning everything hands on and logically. If anything, we might have not even noticed that we have done so much because the mere thing that we did was nothing else other than living.

We basically just lived to find where we are now. Maybe now isn’t such a nice place to be. Maybe heaven is among us. Nevertheless, we are probably where we are destined to be. And we wouldn’t be if it werent for the choices we made.

I’ve been through a lot just as much as everyone had as we all share the quality of being human. Being granted with different senses and chances, every hundreds of millions of seconds happen as the planet revolve around the sun, things happen. And we make them happen. Perhaps we are the tiniest specks of the universe, but we are the beings that are capable of making things happen as we are fated to be. And you know what? It’s a privilege.

One day in your life, you just might realize that it’s one the greatest joys ever manifested; making things happen, especially when you do it with the people that you have been meant to grow old with. Is it not amazing to make memories and play an important role in this universe as you exist? Times and instances may come in hard or blissful but the fact that we contribute along with others to the turn of this world is… actually a blessing.

At least with the words I say now… At least as I beat around the bush… I know and have claimed that I belong to the circus of freaks that found me as I have found them. We’ll be each other’s backbone and shoulder. We’ll not live forever but we’ll etch into the planet’s crust as we go along and live our lives together. We’ll walk the earth and paint a wonderwall of memories until we all turn into dust. And when the time is up, I know… We’ll happily ascend to the stars to shine and remind the land of the living to do the same.

Live.

Hands off

Such things can be seen and touched.
The view is as clear as the sun in summer.
It is not the pursuit of forever but the quest to find happiness.
Perhaps it is not the love we search that appease the heart
But the warmth that calms the soul.
The view is as still as the sunrise and the sunset.
But no matter how many times we shoot for the moon,
We can never ever touch the stars.
They just twinkle from afar
And even if it’s not the light that satisfies,
You just cannot do anything.
You are held captive in want and not do.