I cannot believe that it’s been ages since I last personally wrote to everyone who was interested in whatever the f*ck I wanted to say on my blog. I know it sucks that I mostly act like a ghost in here. But hey, I guess it’s reasonable that I publish updates now.
- I earned my Bachelor’s degree in majoring in English. I marched last April in the PICC Plenary Hall. I’m one of the surviving graduates of Polytechnic University of the Philippines Batch 2016. Also I’m one of the fortunate ones to graduate with Latin honors.
- I’ve started working in my Alma Mater, De La Salle Araneta University (I went to this school for High School) in the Lasallian Language Center as an ESL Teacher. I’m on my second month as an employee.
- I’m still the same old me. Worked up about the things I want to do, the places I want to go and the things I want to keep in life. For the mean time, this will be enough. I will keep buying things I need to survive and save up for the beautiful things I want to make living the now more fun and interesting than I expected and dreamed.
Cheers to exiting the university life. Behold the gate; there it is, waiting for me. All I have to do is step outside, keep walking and just let life happen as it does.
— Annie Sparkle
PS: I hope to put up more photos, posts and weekly stuff to make this blog more exciting. Ayt? I love y’all.
One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.
Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.
All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.
“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.
Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.
We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.
Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.
And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.
Gusto kong maramdaman ang init mo. Kahit ba natutunan ko nang mahalin ka sa’yong panlalamig. Akin na lang ang mga puwang niya sa puso mo, bilang nakalaan naman para sa’yo ang aking pagkatao.
Pahapyaw. Pahapyaw, irog ko. Wari’y patikim lang bago sumapit ang hating gabi. Inangkin natin ang kabig ng dibdib ng isa’t isa. Naudlot pa sa gitna, pero mahal, sana’y akin ka na para ‘di na natigil pa. Ako sana’y iyo na pero mas ibig mong hintayin siya.
Sa gabing malamig… maging isip ko’y nanigas habang naroroon kang patakbo-takbo’t palakad-lakad. Loobin mo, mahal. Akin ka na lang. Habang ako’y gising, pasigaw kong ibubulong sa hangin, “AKIN KA NA LANG.” Tulad ng dati na minsa’y hiniling kita sa aking pag-idlip. Minsang akala ko’y nabaon na sa limot sa pag-asang may papalit.
Sa aking pagpikit ng ilang tao’y nahumaling sa panaginip. Nalulong ako sa mga pangarap ko sa piling ng isang pag-ibig na akala ko’y habang buhay magtatagal pero mahal — Ang maling pag-ibig ko sa’yo’y parang iisang iglap lamang pero ang pait at sarap ay kambal na inihain sa aking harapan.
Nabihag. Nagpabihag. — Sa inasam kong kalayaan; ninais kong makulong sa maling braso, halikan ng mga matamis kung magsinungaling na labi.
Mahal, umasa ako na ngayon kung pinagtagpo tayong armado na ng gulang ay maaari na. Pero mahal nakagapos ka na sa kanya. MALI. Nagpagapos ka na sa kanya. Matagal na. Ako lang ‘tong si Tanga.
Gusto kong maramdaman ang init mo. Kahit ba natutunan ko nang mahalin ka sa’yong panlalamig. Akin na lang ang mga puwang niya sa puso mo, bilang nakalaan naman para sa’yo ang aking pagkatao. Pero ano pa ang saysay ng init mong nakakapaso kung paulit-ulit lamang akong nabibigo. Maigi na ri’y may natutunan ako na talikuran ang tulad mo. Kung kaya’t bago ang paglaya ko, Kuya, tangina mo.
Ibig kong sabihin, “namiss kita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay ka lang ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano nang ganap?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “masaya ka ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “nag-alala ako sa’yo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ang tagal nating ‘di nagkita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “namiss mo ba ako?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano nang nangyari sa’yo?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ang dami palang nangyari.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “sana nagka-oras tayo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay lang na hindi.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “malay mo.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “joke lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ayaw kong umasa.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “naging crush kita.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “naging crush mo ba ako?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “okay lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “buti na lang.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ano?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “wala.”
Ibig kong sabihin, “ganon ba?”
Ibig kong sabihin, “oo.”
Even if I had told you I love you now,
I would not even believe myself.
I will not believe a word not a single one.
Not even the fatal words that you say.
Not even when your kisses meant a lot
Like morning coffee or honest poetry
Not even when you do love me back.
Even if I had told you I love you now.
The room sits there in silence like them;
Like the years that raced through time
When you and I sailed off with ships
And found false homes in our dreams.
Were they real dreams, really?
I would not even believe myself.
Now that I have learned to give that up.
Because it was not a fairytale all along.
It was a legend that I tried so hard to live.
Even if I had told you I love you now,
It would not change the fact that I failed.
That we failed to make legends those years.
I will not believe a word not a single one.
Even if you convince me now how you
Actually want me, or how you love me.
My brokenness etched to me the truth.
That the hope for true love is covered
In words that are as sweet as your lust
For me; You are desperate for me. Sure.
I’m desperate to sense new horizons.
Oh but you are not new. You were the one.
Everything else started with you. History.
Not even the fatal words that you say
Would change how my story was written.
I would not even believe myself
If the so-called spark invite you inside me
The exact way I would paint it in my head.
You are a living archetype that I never had.
You exist as a model for the hopes that failed.
You are a living relic of my lost loves.
You embody the love that was never real.
You now want to take me back when.
And here I am in stern belief for change;
In the existence of rise and downfall
Most especially the beautiful fallout.
Trace the bed with maybe’s and what if’s.
But I can love you know if I want to.
Except I would not believe myself if I do.
Not even the fatal words I wish to hear
Would put me back together for I fear you.
You can keep wrapping yourself up in your cloak of mystery. The stench of that mystery will keep enticing me to reach for you and maybe let you break my heart. You see, that’s how dumb I am.
This is me reliving my folly of a love that I once had for you.
I used to call it “puppy love.” That whenever I see you my heart would jump off the cliff and race you to the hills. When it gets there, alone, I will let it dance ’till it settles down. All that in a matter of seconds. I never understood why I liked you though. It was just there like a shadow following me even in the dark. I look at you and I know I like you. I understood it that way and nothing more. No other reasons: none that concerns the purity of your heart which I never even had the privilege to know. None that concerns how you might take care of me when I need the words or the touch that would speed up the return of spring. But that was that.
Now, here you come springing back only to offer a loveless love: an adventure. A trail to the past with extra vibrant passion coming from the wrong places. And all these places point down south of me even when I would like to face only the north of you. But thus, an adventure is an adventure. Even with a broken compass, I may have insinuated a “yes” for a reply.
Any positive vibe could only have side effects and do nothing good to me right now. Any drug or any vaccine for a broken heart like mine could only work in one way and one way alone: poison. That even if you could excellently build me up or even if you could majestically sweep me off my feet, I would never even need that because I know; deep down, I will end up yearning for you.
Whether you are an angel with black wings or a devil with a pure heart, your kind of mystery is strong enough for a bait to reel me in. And as you long as you stay there in heaven, hell or wherever you fucking live, I’d be here waiting and praying to have you take me to an adventure. Until then, I can only imagine you here meeting me down where the figs lie.
I never loved you enough, have I?
Or maybe I just realized what it’s like
to have the freedom I have always wanted.
Or maybe this is what it’s like
to not have someone around
someone like you.
Or maybe this is what it’s like to want
to go out so bad and not have somebody to be with
somebody like you —
who stood by me.
who understood the seasons of my mood.
who tried to laugh at my jokes.
who cursed the world with me.
who heard my qualms against fate.
who endured the backlashes of my hate.
who have given a lot.
whom I had to give up.
Such perfection does not exist.
For as perfect as imperfection is
We don’t sit together in that one picture
And you should know that it hurts
to be compelled to accept this
even when I have been given what
I wanted (you; I used to want you)
The freedom that costed me missing
You (I have always loved you)
Or maybe this is exactly what it’s like to realize
That I never loved you enough.