Something to laugh about.

Something to laugh about.

One of these days I’ll have a new chore and that would be laughing as I stalk your Facebook timeline. I would be laughing at you and your new pet. “Aww. isn’t this just nice?” “Who knew he’d act like this?” “For someone who claims he’s an ‘epicurist’ when it should be called ‘epicurean,’ look how far he’s come to find this new girl…” Then again, “Aww, this is just nice.” To hell if I sound and seem bitter but I guess that would be me relishing my so-called happiness and contentment on the kind of life I have now.

Maybe it is difficult to work with my bodyclock switching on at 5:30 in the morning when I badly want to marry the bed for the rest of the day. Maybe I struggle making sure that I keep a lifestyle where I keep me feet on the ground by still doing the same things I do even before I even learned that I already have a job. Maybe it is hard for me to think about how I have to spend my hard earned money. Maybe I still find myself questioning why I took a job where I work 10 hours a day and get curious how I suddenly got to where I am now.

All these things and more swim in the pool of my thoughts wondering if I made the right choices in life. And then there’s you… Your eternal face etched deep in the core of my thoughts when it first learned what it’s like to be attracted.

“Adulting” made thinking about my future adventures a part of my system. The system never ate me. I devoured it whole. Because I thought it would be better to get the best of it than let it get the best of me; let alone get ahead of me. And that is something I try so hard to avoid.

Sure. You may ask why I exert so much effort avoiding that situation but the reason is clear. I would rather not make the same mistake I did before and look back… It’s a fucking time vortex in there. A rift in the fabric of my reality that is a fixed point in time and is a piece of my history that can never be undone. I have no other direction to look at other than forward and not back. At the same time, I have to make sure that none of the relics of you stand in my way as I tread through my journey. You bear no place in my heart anymore.

We had a chance. Twice. Perhaps it wasn’t even called a chance at all. It was a point in my life where it just had to pass and whenever I have to look back, I just have to keep singing the words “I’ve just seen a face” and cut it there. Because “I can forget” and no, “I have ‘not’ fallen” and no “you never kept calling me back again.” Everything else was all me; me and my mistakes and false hopes and dreams and me welcoming a calamity which I regret setting a place on my dinner table for.

Now, back to the part where I choose to laugh while stalking your Facebook timeline. As I read through your own train of thought -if it even deserves to be called one- I think that I’m happy I have claimed my freedom. I owned the key to the shackles I bound to myself and all I had to do was unchain myself and leave my own prison. I keep recalling that episode of my life and I’m left wondering. When will that new pet of yours realize that she is trapped in your dungeon of lustful desires and selfishness? If not that then I wonder, when will you learn that your selfishness and lustful desires will make you a sad man for the rest of your life? I do hope either of those limbos will end really soon.

And until that fateful day comes, I shall be laughing. At the back of my head. My laughter is too precious to be wasted on your story knowing I’ve come to make mine worth more than myths and fairytales.

The planes over my head.

The planes over my head.

The sound; the engines cry
Your voice so loud
The sound ran dry
But love, every moment fed
Behold the planes over my head

Where rain like tears fall
Familiar, the sight, the wall
And behold time, love; Sped
All the planes over my head

The clouds come forlorn
The echoes of when you were born
Come, love, with me in bed.
Away the planes over my head

Away the misery spell
Tonight my love
I lay wishing you well
Spirit and soul, together, fled
Behold the planes over my head

High on the mountains
My body stand hence
Love I finish the verse instead
Watching the planes over my head

Steps, move; one by one
Four moons while I am gone
I’ll come home, love
Come to your head
Like the planes over my head

Flickering lights

Flickering lights

Flickering lights
mistake me for being
in love with the likes
of him
who passed by.

He who passed by is
a glorious face
I see
in my dreams.

He who passed by?
He who ignited
millions of universes
in my mind
remain blurry

in my dreams.
A seemingly familiar
face not-so-clear
in my head.

He is an occasion.
But he, my love –He.

Flickering lights
should deem me
in love with the likes
of him
who can fly.

My heart is in the sky.
He flies with wings
of metal and of blood;
flown from the heart
that beats for mine.

 

Bago ang paglaya ko.

Bago ang paglaya ko.

Gusto kong maramdaman ang init mo. Kahit ba natutunan ko nang mahalin ka sa’yong panlalamig. Akin na lang ang mga puwang niya sa puso mo, bilang nakalaan naman para sa’yo ang aking pagkatao.

Pahapyaw. Pahapyaw, irog ko. Wari’y patikim lang bago sumapit ang hating gabi. Inangkin natin ang kabig ng dibdib ng isa’t isa. Naudlot pa sa gitna, pero mahal, sana’y akin ka na para ‘di na natigil pa. Ako sana’y iyo na pero mas ibig mong hintayin siya.

Sa gabing malamig… maging isip ko’y nanigas habang naroroon kang patakbo-takbo’t palakad-lakad. Loobin mo, mahal. Akin ka na lang. Habang ako’y gising, pasigaw kong ibubulong sa hangin, “AKIN KA NA LANG.” Tulad ng dati na minsa’y hiniling kita sa aking pag-idlip. Minsang akala ko’y nabaon na sa limot sa pag-asang may papalit.

Sa aking pagpikit ng ilang tao’y nahumaling sa panaginip. Nalulong ako sa mga pangarap ko sa piling ng isang pag-ibig na akala ko’y habang buhay magtatagal pero mahal — Ang maling pag-ibig ko sa’yo’y parang iisang iglap lamang pero ang pait at sarap ay kambal na inihain sa aking harapan.

Nabihag. Nagpabihag. — Sa inasam kong kalayaan; ninais kong makulong sa maling braso, halikan ng mga matamis kung magsinungaling na labi.

Mahal, umasa ako na ngayon kung pinagtagpo tayong armado na ng gulang ay maaari na. Pero mahal nakagapos ka na sa kanya. MALI. Nagpagapos ka na sa kanya. Matagal na. Ako lang ‘tong si Tanga.

Gusto kong maramdaman ang init mo. Kahit ba natutunan ko nang mahalin ka sa’yong panlalamig. Akin na lang ang mga puwang niya sa puso mo, bilang nakalaan naman para sa’yo ang aking pagkatao. Pero ano pa ang saysay ng init mong nakakapaso kung paulit-ulit lamang akong nabibigo. Maigi na ri’y may natutunan ako na talikuran ang tulad mo. Kung kaya’t bago ang paglaya ko, Kuya, tangina mo.

Before I kick you out.

Before I kick you out.

The funny thing about being your home was that I was not exactly a part of you. I was under your skin but it wasn’t enough for us to be each others’ limbs. Not a joint, not even the heart though we are a part of them but not exactly, no. We say we are the air we share but there is still the air and we can breathe even when not together.

We were fooled believing we were one. There was you and me and me and you and us. There was no me that existed, we did not exist to live and be apart even when we weren’t exactly one. It was a lovely chain that bounded us. It was great until the chain began to rust and meet its decay. All the hopes and plans to keep it brand new slowly faded like the echoes that kept reminding us that this was the right love.

But the truth was true enough to not even hold us back to lie. Honesty led the truth to keep up and not be late… Though it seemed pretty fast, it happened exactly right when it should. It seemed impossible but there it is… It knocked on my door and I invited it in. And it was the fateful meet up you so dread because it brought us to the end of what seemed to be the right love.

Honesty and truth. I welcomed them with great hospitality. Thank you for trying really hard to keep that smile on your face as I fed them and made them feel home. I’m sorry if I did not raise you and prepare you enough for this day. I didn’t realize this was really bound to happen. It pains me to say this. It turns out I had to keep either them or you.

Piliin mo siya, bes.

Piliin mo siya, bes.

Piliin mo siya, bes.
Piliin mo siya dahil alam mo na.

Ang bawat dahilan ng ngiti niya.
Ang sukat ng mga luha niya.
Ang lalim ng kanyang isip.
Piliin mo siya.

Sisirin mo ulit ang dagat ng kanyang isipan.
Suyurin mo ang bawat hangganan.
Doon muli sa inyong tagpuan;
Kayo’y magkaroon ng kasunduan.
Bes, piliin mo siya.

Nang hindi ka na mahirapan,
Sumugal sa bagong kanlungan.
Tumungo sa dayuhang lunan.
Sa ibang puso manahan.

Hindi kita ipinagtatabuyan.
Isa kang alay.
Upang matubos ang lahat.
Ng pait. Ng takot. Ng sigwa
Ng dilim. Ng ligaya. Ng ngiti.
Ng pag-asa.
Piliin mo siya, bes.

Isa kang buntung-hininga.
Sa gitna ng pagsikip ng dibdib
Tubig na kay tagal ‘pinag-igib.
At ngayon husto na
Ang kapahingahan ng aking bisig
Na kahit hindi pag-ibig

Ika’y aking nadinig.
Ika’y aking nadama.
Sa taghoy ng alinlangan
Dumating ka
Pero sapat na.
Piliin mo siya, bes.

Sapat nang matikman
Ang hindi akin
Marahil iyong napansin
Tangan ng iyong “mahal kita”
Ay sa kanya pa rin nakabaling.

Brave (or so I think this is the title)

Brave (or so I think this is the title)

I want you to be brave.
I want you to touch me without fear;
Of loving me. Falling further
To the abyss of my embrace.
Darling , I want you to reach
For the farthest cobweb.
Dust it away with your kisses.
Your touch, love. Love me.
Pin me to each sitting corner
Of the room.
Like the places we once knew
And mark them with the love
That we made in the dark of day.
Concealed from the light of the truth
That we know and believe.
But the glow you have, intertwined with me
Is the north star. My North.
My destination. My love. My kind of poetry.
My kind of brave that broke my bones.
Made me new. Learned that for once,
Maybe forever. I could be one .
I and you.