A Little More Like This

A Little More Like This

Every single grain can tip the scale. Every little fainting feeling can tip my feeling stable. I’m that close to collapsing roughly a couple of hours away from home. The whole avenues and intersections around are lit by lampposts and the vast orange sky. Everyone around could possibly appear to be monsters right before my eyes should I hallucinate. And thank heavens, you were by my side.

You kept asking whether or not I was okay. And I kept telling you the truth. Because I was not okay. For once I felt that not being okay was NOT okay at all. Dying internally and fainting anytime was not okay at all. But I still kept running towards home in the hope of feeling okay; perhaps better again. But still no, I didn’t feel okay.

I did my best to keep my defenses up. Full force around my walls, I placed each brave soldier to fight for me. I even readied the furnace for each archer to light up their arrows. But I never saw it coming really. I never saw that each and every single one of my men would seize me by allowing me to lose and collapse to your shoulder. Perhaps you won against them. You were so concerned you reached for my head to let it fall on your shoulder.

How could I even get the nerve of falling for it that easily? Was I that tired? Was I that drained? Or maybe I was that weak and helpless I yearned for your hand to touch me and guide me towards your embrace. I guess I was so down I thought you were my only way up again.

But this perhaps was genuine. It was not like anything… Or so I thought.

Nonetheless, holding your hand felt right for a moment even when I was at the brink of pure and unadulterated uncertainty. The night did not care much about what I felt or what you felt or what it saw. It just happened for the sake of happening. It just went on like that as it is; just as fate itself intended it to. And that was to boost my hopes up for a bit on a little roller coaster ride for a couple of days which eventually met its crash in the end.

I could have done more than I did, really. I could have dove head first. I could have jumped off the cliff and drown and die… Finally, by then I would have felt extra numb than I do now. Finally I could probably say it’s okay to not be okay because even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t feel the slightest pain anywhere.

But because you mean a lot to me, we might as well just stay like this. I might as well love you like this. I might as well just keep it as it already is.

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