Looking out from the back of the car

Looking out from the back of the car

The lampposts beam like meteor showers and falling stars raging in the night. The sky don’t seem as dark as black should be but it was a deep ocean blue; so deep perhaps even I would dare to swim and submerge myself into it only to find Titanic and drag it back to the shore.

Mind you, this is just me again looking out at the back of the car; watching the road pass opposite my direction like the world keeps saying goodbye as I circle it. I hear my mother and father conversing facing the windshield. My brother and his wife have their own with my little niece keeping up. They’d occasionally share a little laugh and I see right before eyes… sensing their genuine happiness… Such I glee that I could not afford to have under some circumstance.

And I do not deserve that. I think.

I could not help but wonder. If all I can afford to have now is pure and utter melancholy, for sure, I’d one day turn things around. After all, it always takes time for a heroine to get through the plotline of her story. And I’m still getting through with mine. Perhaps I may never know where I am exactly; be it the middle or I’ve just begun, maybe at the brink of the unleashing of things finally coming around for me. That I believe we are still to see.

And when things start to come around, what is it going to be for me? Am I damsel in distress of some sort? Am I leading anybody on a strike or a movement or a league? Am I going to be some guy’s heroine rather than that guy being my hero? What? — I just couldn’t even put my finger on it. I’m not even going to say it.

I see my little nieces and nephews growing and being born one by one and I realize, one day I’ll have one of those. One I’m going to sit beside the driver’s seat. Maybe hold the driver’s hand or his lap. And then I’ll find myself looking at the back of the car with little kids playing or sharing a story to me… probably even asleep after a long day out of the house. I look at my little nieces’ and nephews’ eyes and smiles, and I see myself raising someone like them… just like them… one of my own.

Tonight I look out and wonder… will I be happy? I guess I will be– Of course, I will be. But I just wonder, is that really one I would call ‘a life that is for me?’

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