I used to be you

I used to be you

I was in love. Succumbed to the hopeful and cheery cloud and I kept playing around ignoring all the crap that was in my way. I enjoyed basking in the smell of mangoes and strawberries which seemed like forever. But as much as I kept my mind off the dark, it never stopped creeping in; stealing me away from my happy sky.

No matter how in love I was, I could never really ignore the fact that one day… One day, my love shall leave me hopeless — destroyed. That no matter how he and I seemed like we were both in heaven, he wouldn’t cease seeking hell. That even when I could give him happiness, he would seek for something more. That even when he had me, he would shun me and turn to someone else.

Indeed. It was like dreaming with the capacity to see both dimensions in half. In one side you see and live your fantasy while the other tries to distract you. Both dimensions have you shackled and worse, you’re being pulled in opposite directions… And the only thing that keeps you numb from the pain is the love that you believe that is a lot stronger than morphine.

But the beautiful nightmare has long been over. I can’t even tell if it was indeed a relief to get out of a dream being shackled in two dimensions trying to rip me apart. I don’t know if I was really free. I can’t tell for sure if I had fallen back to reality, to the good smelling earth or I’ve fallen further to the pits of despair from my happy sky. Other than that, I could say that my hands can move. The wounds from the chains and shackles still ache. They’re still quite pinkish if you’d ask me but it has scabbed. I guess I could say that it did heal but there’s still pain. Mind you, I don’t know where I am exactly but I’m not in my happy sky any more. The blur has subsided. Somehow.

But as for you, dearly beloved who now have the heart that was once mine. I understand your fear of falling from the same happy sky where I used to be. The very same fear that ate up my peace of mind. But of course, who cares if I do know?

For all I know, you don’t.

Consider this as a warning. Not out of bitterness but of pure concern. You must understand that I once took care of the heart that you now have. I can vouch to the fact that it could shatter you in a million angry pieces the same way I did should things cease to work out between you and him. I can also say that the happy sky is a piece of paradise and gehena as you know it. It’s an ever sweet poison that delays its bitterness and the taste you’d forget to mind. It’s a magnificent place to be. His heart is home. Warm.

But there it is. The fear. The anxiety. The stealth killer that creeps in and stabs you silently, softly. You have awaken a monster under your bed and it won’t stop scaring you. Believe me, I know and I fought hard.

It was a bloody battle. But I never knew if I did win because one day — I cannot blame you or him — but one day… you came. And the blissful half of the dream popped out like a delicate bubble. Gone. The monster, the blood, everything. Gone. I was left in a cupboard full of cobwebs. Eyes wide open and I realized… My love stopped fighting for me. I tried banging through the walls with my eyes which I believed were open. And they weren’t. Still shut.

I no longer reside in my happy sky. I no longer have the heart that I so cherished and cradled right alongside mine. I am fighting for myself now. And no, I’m not imprisoned in the cobweb infested cupboard any more. I don’t know where I am exactly but I have gone farther away from the battlegrounds, from the happy sky– far from the heart I once had.

Dearly beloved, I don’t know where I am. I might meet you here. Or not. But I… I used to be you.


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